Thursday, November 5, 2009

Go Ahead!

Kick me in the Jimmy!

This is what Coach Bradley Buzzcut used to tell Beavis and Butt-head to try to prove to them how tough he was. Yeah, he was a tough guy.

Or not. Perhaps “stupid” is a better word. Seriously, getting kicked in the sack is the one thing all guys fear. There’s no pain like ball pain. Yeah, you know it, this look:

I don’t know if there’s an equivalent for you girls – those ovaries are pretty well protected – and you know? I really don’t want to know. I don’t know if I want that kind of power.

That’s why stories like this, about the Serial Groin Kicker in Vancouver are just so disturbing. Even from 3,000 miles away, reading about gives me an ache in my pants, and I’m not talking about the good kind. I was going to hotlink it, but that’s not enough, read for yourself from the National Post:

LANGLEY, B.C. – Police in Langley are investigating after a woman kicked a man in the groin so hard he lost a testicle – the latest in a series of similar assaults.
.....“I just want to know what her problem is,” victim Anthony Clark, 22, said this week. “People like her shouldn’t be on the streets.”
.....Mr. Clark was walking in the Brookswood area of Langley in early September when he passed his assailant on the sidewalk.
.....“I was looking down and then I took a passing glance and saw her walk up to me,” he said.
.....That’s when the young woman inexplicably kicked him in the groin hard enough to send one of his testicles into his abdomen. Mr. Clark said he wasn’t aware of the severity of his injury until later that night when he “noticed something was missing.” [ed. “He noticed something was missing? It took him that long to figure out he was missing a ball? I don’t know about you guys, but I’m pretty conscious of where mine are at all times.]
.....He consulted his doctor and a specialist, both of whom believed his testicle could be brought down again with surgery. It wasn’t until he woke up afterwards that he discovered the doctors were wrong – the force of the assault had caused his testicle to rupture. It had to be removed and will be replaced by a prosthetic before Christmas.
.....“My doctors say I will still be able to have children,” Mr. Clark said. “But at 22 that’s
not something I want a stranger, this woman, to decide.”
.....Embarrassed by the situation, Mr. Clark didn’t go to the police until nearly four weeks after the attack. Constables have told him there have been three or four similar assaults on other men, Mr. Clark said.
.....Langley RCMP said they would like to speak to other victims, although there have been no official reported incidents, spokeswoman Const. Holly Marks said.
.....The suspect is described as a Caucasian woman, in her late teens or early 20s. She was between five-foot-five and five-foot-seven and 130 pounds with a slim build and brown hair.
I’m wondering: Did this chick get dumped while “You Oughta Know” was playing on the stereo? You know, just a little something extra to twist the knife of rejection?

Seriously, Canada, what the fuck’s up with this shit? Is the RCMP going to catch this woman before the world comes for a visit during the Olympics next February? Or will her reign of testicular terror continue?

And, because it’s her birthday, this post is in honor of Shannon, who kicked off (so to speak) her blog way, way, way back when with stories of genital trauma.

Here’s looking at you kid, Happy Birthday Shannon!


Liebchen said...

You know, you learn something new every day. As in, I never knew you could get a prosthetic testicle...

Or that there was a woman who found it acceptable to go around kicking like that.

Shannon said...

I do love to celebrate my birthday with crotchkicks and genital trauma, thanks!

FoggyDew said...

Liebchen - Lance Armstrong has one, supposedly, and they even make them for boy dogs who've been "tutored" (as Larson put it in The Far Side) so they don't feel deprived.

Shannon - That's what she said.

J said...

Oh god, oh god. I don't want neuticles. I'm going to Canada this month. I will bring protective ball coverings.

Brando said...

So very wrong--I think TV and movies have given women (and men, probably) the idea that a hit or kick in the nuts is hilarious and only temporarily uncomfortable. But stories like this should remind people that groin attacks are only acceptable in dire situations!

Hopefully they catch this crazy woman!

Titania said...

Since I am not a guy, I cannot know for sure, but the boobs can hurt like hell too... Happy b-day, Shan!

Alice said...

"reign of testicular terror" is, quite frankly, a brilliant turn of phrase.

FoggyDew said...

J - The fact there's a name for them is only just slightly disturbing.

Brando - Damn you America's Funniest Home Videos! It's all your fault.

Titania - I guess that's true, there are a lot of nerve endings there, huh? ;-)

Alice - Why thank you, I worked very hard on that. And it's true, you could be blissfully walking through Vancouver, enjoying the sights and BAM! You're curled into the fetal position not knowing what hit you. Terrifying.

Meghan said...

As a lady, that made me cringe. I can't imagine for a guy. What a pain in the ...balls.

Sebastian said...

Sigh... you shouldn't be allowed to republish such stories.

I feel bad all over now :(

FoggyDew said...

Meghan - Probably has something to do with proximity, the closer you are, the more it hurts. Good thing you're a redhead, shorter and thinner, or you too could be a suspect.

Seb - Well, imagine if you were to unexpectedly travel to BC without this knowledge, you might end up feeling a lot worse. And, possibly, sporting a neuticle forevermore.