Shocking News!!! Or, “Thank you Capt. Obvious!”

The world was stunned today by the release of a study’s results in the Journal of Abnormal Psychology. In this ground breaking research, scientists have finally answered one of the questions long plaguing mankind:

“Why does the hard eight you left the bar with last night look like a generous four the next morning?”

My friends, science has found the reason for beer goggles and the culprit is, wait for it, beer. Yes, I’m as shocked as you.

“The average guy tends to perceive more women as being sexually interested after a few drinks and be more likely to make mistakes about what a woman feels," says study co-author Teresa Treat, an associate professor at the University of Iowa.

The folks in Hawkeyeland must be so, so very proud today. I hope they kept the receipt for whatever money they paid for this research.

Fergodsakes, Jamie and Adam did this same study on Mythbusters in the not-so-distant past. Instead of reading an APA journal article, just go here to see the team from M7 confirm the “myth” of beer goggles.

And in further news from the world of medicine, doing meth is not a good idea for pregnant women. Really?

According to another the MSNBC article (guess where I spent my lunch?), “[the] team compared health factors such as preterm delivery and uncontrolled high blood pressure, and for almost every factor the researchers measured, the meth users and their babies fared worse.”

I must agree with the snark in the article: Shocking.

Finally, the article titled “Remove what from where? Orifice surgeries expand” wasn’t about what I thought it was going to be about. While I thought it might be stories about surgeons having to remove strange objects from the interesting and embarrassing places lonely people had put them, sadly, it wasn’t.

I feel so cheated.

In fact, the story is about new surgical techniques like, literally, removing a person's stomach through their mouth as part of a weight-loss surgery.

All together now: Ewwwww.