The Mobeus Family Tree

I found this poem in a clan newsletter. If I might make a suggestion, it sounds best if you hear it in your head spoken in an Irish accent.
.

I am my own grandpa!

.
Many, many years ago when I was twenty-three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother, for she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad and so became my Uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son, who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson, for he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother and it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife, she's my grandmother too.
If my wife is my grandmother, then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it, it simply drives me wild.
For now I have become the strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa.

As I'm off tomorrow, stretching a long weekend even longer, I'd like to wish y'all a Happy 235th Birthday. Enjoy the burgers and brats and a Happy Fourth of July to everyone!

A special place in Hell

What could be cuter than dogs in Halloween costumes? Nothing, of course.

Although you do have to set aside the embarrassment these dogs must feel at being humiliated by their owners. I'm sure in Doggie Hell, there's a special place in the Sixth Circle for owners who dress their pets up in costumes.

Leaving aside their dogs' momentary mortification and shame, and the owners eternal (x7 since we're talking dog years) damnation, that doesn't mean the rest of us can't get a grin or two out of the dealio.

I'm just wondering how the heck they kept this little guy from shaking off the gator?

This might have been better if'n it were a shark or orca.

Does this count as cross-dressing in the canine world? Seriously, even though it's a lion, ya still dressed a dog up as a cat.

This dog is thinking, I'll get you back for this. Trust.

I've tried taking pictures of my brother's four kids. I've never gotten them all to sit still. Not once. How, in the name of Zeus's butthole, did they get four dogs, in costume, to sit still for a picture? I want to know.

OK, this one's not too bad.

A 10-legged spider? I think not.

Grandma, what big teeth you have...

"I can't believe they did this to me again this year."

As the great Sam Kinison said, "Can you do me a favor? If you see me working on the yard next week and around the house? Kill me. Kill me! Are you my friends? Don’t you love me? Do you remember when I was a man and I controlled my own destiny? KILL ME!"

.

Yeah, I find this one funny too.

I hope there's no water in that pot...

My question is, how did they get the cat to go along?

See, I can't tell if he's Darth Vader or Dark Helmet.

I don't know if I'd want to be the one putting on, or better yet, taking off, a doggie thong.

"Really? Seriously? After all I've done for you over the years, this ... This! ... is my reward? Thanks a lot. No, I mean that."

Status updates

As you all well know, I'm not really one for the Facebook. But a friend passed along these, somewhat old, status updates that show me just how useful this too can be.

For instance, say you've just made a stunning scientific discovery and you want to get the word out, but you're not too sure how your parish priest might feel about your endeavors. Well, you can just throw it up there and see what happens, as such:

Or, what do you do when you and your buddies throw on some wool clothes, lock yourselves in a room at the height of summer (long before air conditioning is discovered, I might add) and then decide to break it off with the mother country? What's the best way to tell the king and Parliament that while you think you should still be friends, you're going to have to see other forms of government for a few centuries? This is especially a problem when the fastest way to get the word back to Merry Ol' England is by sailing ship. Just do a status update:

And, as we all know, it can sometimes be a bit of a problem to get tickets to see the latest shows here in D.C. But, when you do get tickets to see Our American Cousin, you want all your friends to know you're taking the little lady out to see the biggest show of the year. And, because you're treating her right, you're also probably going to get laid that night.

So, I have to admit, Facebook might be useful after all.

Coming soon! To a theatre near you!

Anyone remember Oregon Trail? That kick-ass game we used to play in school? Well, if you've ever wished someone would make a movie about the experience, you're in luck.

[Caution: Widescreen video ahead. You may want to go to YouTube to actually watch it.]



I think I may have actually tried that whole "Gimme four oxen and all the bullets I can buy" strategy. It may have led to my untimely demise.

OK, maybe it's not for real, but it's still funny.

Mr. Burns would not approve

I was upstairs doing my laundry when this note tacked to the bulletin board caught my eye...


I'm wondering if one of my neighbors used to work at CERN on the on the LHC. All I can say is that I hope it's in good condition, you know, after being transported from Switzerland. Or perhaps it's just a low-budget photon, captured from a common table lamp. You have to be careful when you're acquiring subatomic particles.

The next thing you know there's going to be cut-rate proton and neutron stands on every corner selling counterfeit molecule parts.

Whoever it is, Charles Montgomery "Monty" Burns would definitely take exception to the thought of someone trying to just give away light. Why give it away when you can build a giant disk to blot out the sun?

Seriously, there's only 16 words on the note, including phone number and apartment number (both obscured to protect the poor speller). How can you misspell two of them?

.

[Note: Don't forget to check out my new pictures on my photostream (link on the right). Moonset over the Pike.]

Divinely inspired humor

It's been said everyone needs to have a goal. My nephew's in town this weekend and the boy, who's 12, has a goal and it's a good one. His goal, you ask, well, he wants to see a baseball game in every major league park. So far I think he's seen the Yankees - both old and new Yankee Stadium - the Mets - Shea and Citi Field - (care to guess where he lives?) and, I think, the Red Sox and the Cubs. Tomorrow, he gets to add Nationals Park to his list. Considering how much it cost, I think we got a pretty good ballpark out of the deal.

I talked to my sister last night and she said he's really looking forward to the game, as am I. It's the first game of the year for me, and that's always something special. Especially since the Nats are approaching mediocrity.

Changing the subject, it's been a while since we've had a Friday joke, so here's one I recently came across. All periods of time stated in this joke are approximations.

God was missing for six days.


On the seventh day, Michael, the archangel, found him - resting. He inquired, “Where have you been?”

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look, Michael. Look what I have made.”

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, “What is it?”

“It’s a planet,” replied God, “and I've put life on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a place to test Balance.”

“Balance?” inquired Michael, “I’m confused.”

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, “For example,” he said, “northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I’ve placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things.”

God continued pointing to different countries. “This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.”

The Archangel, impressed by God’s work (and kissing up to the boss a bit) then pointed to a land area and asked, “What's that one?”

“That's Virginia, the most glorious place on earth,” God said. “There are beautiful mountains, ocean, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills and plains. The people from Virginia are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace and producers of good things.”

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, “But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance.”

God smiled, “Right next to Virginia is Washington, D.C. Wait’ll you see the idiots I put there.”

Oh, c'mon, like you didn't see that one coming. Joke 'em if they can't take a fuck, I say. Have a great weekend.

Take me out to the ball game, take me out to the crowd...

Don't know if it's true or not...

My boss often forwards along to me interesting little tidbits he gets. Here's the one he just sent me. I don't know if it's true or not, but it's funny enough to brighten a dreary, rainy Monday morning.

The conversation went like this...

Iranian Air Defense Radar: "Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself."

Aircraft: "This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace."

Iranian Air Defense Radar: "You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!"

Aircraft: "This is a United States Marine Corps F/A-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!"

Iranian Air Defense Radar: ......... (no response .... total silence) .........
.
Almost definitely apocryphal, but still funny.
.
For those of you wondering, this is an F/A-18C (probably), although it's (probably) a Navy Hornet and not a Marine one, but they look pretty much the same:
.
Loaded for bear the pylons under it's wings will carry six missiles and, when those run out, it has a 20mm cannon. It's a pretty formidable foe (and when one's about, you can be sure there's at least one more lurking around).

Top 10 - 2010 edition

Inspired by last week's comments, I put a little thought into it and came up with a new list of the Top 10 Shows in Iraq. While I don't know if they're quite as funny as the ones from last week, I think they're pretty OK. So, without further ado, to the list!

Top 10 shows in Iraq – 2010

10. Dubai Shore
9. American Idolater
8. How I Met Your Mother Even Though She Was Wearing A Burqa
7. Project Martyr (Explosive Vest and Belt episode)
6. Two And A Half Men With Two And A Half Hands Among Them
5. Osama’s Modestly Covered Anatomy
4. Steven Segal: Lawman and Target
3. 30 Arbataash Tamuz Street
2. The Big Bang Over Washington, New York, Los Angeles, London, Berlin, Rome, Paris, Cairo and Tel Aviv Theory

And the Number 1 TV show in Iraq in 2010 is:

1. Survivor – Guantanamo

As you can see, Iraqi television is also following the trend toward reality programing. Such a shame the influence Hollywood has on the world today. Please direct all comments disparaging my character and calling me names to the comments section below.

Old, but still funny

I’ve had a certain e-mail address for what seems like forever. Or at least since I was in college. This means that tucked away in some of the folders are some really old e-mails, some from people whose faces I can barely recollect.

As I was looking around for something in those dusty archives this morning, I came across one my brother sent me way the heck back in the 90s. Back when it was topical. Nov. 20, 1998 to be exact. But you know what? It’s still funny, in a dated, decade-plus old, nostalgic kind of way.

Anyway, for a quick dose of humor to send you on your way for a well-deserved three-day weekend, here are your Friday funnies courtesy of a really old e-mail from my brother.

TOP TEN TV SHOWS IN IRAQ

10. Suddenly Sanctions
9. Buffy the Slayer of American Imperialist Dogs
8. The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show
7. Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest
6. The Price is Right if Saddam Says it’s Right
5. Achmed’s Creek
4. Wheel of Fortune and Terror
3. Allah McBeal
2. Mad About Everything

And the number one show in Iraq in the late 1990s was:

1. Husseinfeld

Have a great weekend everyone.

Always look on the bright side...

My boss sends out a joke or the likes just about every morning. This morning, I actually laughed out loud when I read what he'd sent. So here's a little something to make you laugh on this Tuesday in November.

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay of Fundy, Nova Scotia, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. “We know it’s late, sir, but we have some information about your wife,” said one of the Mounties.

“Tell me! Did you find her!?” the husband shouted.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said, “We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said “Give me the bad news first.”

The second Mountie said, “I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in the bay.”

“Oh my God!” exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, “What’s the good news?”

The Mountie continued, “When we pulled her up, she had six 25-pound snow crabs and 12 good-size lobsters clinging to her.”

Stunned, the husband demanded, “If that's the good news, what’s the great news???”

The Mountie answered, “We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow.”

Oooh YEAH!!

While I don't normally make it a policy to post cell phone pics, this one from the Metro Friday night is just too good to pass up:

Duffman can never die, only the actors who play him. Ooh yeah!

About two minutes after I took this (I asked politely, "Hey Duffman? Can I take your picture?" Duffman consented) another, very much more attractive person (read Hawt! but with a kinda funky hairdo), also got his picture. Duffman, though, did not get her number (or mine, just thought I'd mention that).

Are you ready for some Duff love?!?!?
.
Here's a picture of the real-live Duffman played by Barry Duffman, (voiced by the great Hank Azaria):

Our D.C. Duffman is missing the white gloves, cape and the Devil-may-care attitude of the real Duffman, but not too bad an imitation.

I now have only one question for you: "Are you ready to get DUFFED?!?!?"

Sights not normally seen

I was headed out yesterday, a cold clear day after New Years to spend some quality time with my 13-year-old niece and my 10-year-old nephew who are in town visiting for the holidays from Connecticut.

A fine day was planned: a trip out to the Udvar-Hazy Air and Space Museum near Dulles, a late lunch at Pizzeria Paradiso in G-town and, if I had not yet been driven insane, a quick stop at Thomas Sweet on Wisconsin. I'm happy to say all went according to plan and a good day was had by all. Especially since there was fudge involved.

The funniest part of the day, though, had to have been as I was heading out to pick up my niece and nephew. There I was, waiting at a stoplight when lo and behold, the individuals in the image below sauntered across my field of view. 

I was so stunned by this bucolic familial scene I almost forgot I had a camera in my pocket. Thankfully, I recovered in the nick of time to record the image for posterity. 

Now, momma, papa and the camouflaged apple of their eye wouldn't have normally caught my attention if, say, I still lived in one of my previous homes in Texas, Indianapolis or North Carolina. But, you see, this picture is different, I snapped in Old Town. 

Yeah, Old Town Alexandria.  

Normally, considering my own fashion sense and the fact I wore camouflage utilities to work every day for six years, I wouldn't want to be the guy living in a condo constructed of a transparent amorphous solid chucking igneous formations around.

But this, this: Just. Made. Me. Laugh. 

The ladies' camouflage jackets. Mom's cammie backpack. And dad, dad all decked out, literally from head-to-toe in hat, jacket and pants just in case the need for stealth arises somewhere along Duke Street. Oh, and the matching earmuffs not decorated in a woodland pattern? They only make it that much better.

14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy...per second

I've got a lot of thoughts going around in my head today, but it'll take me a couple of minutes to sort them all out. But, while I do that, I didn't want to leave you hanging.

I did not write the information below. I got it in an email a bunch of years ago and have since always thought it was one of the funnier Christmas-themed pieces I ever read. By the way, the picture here was found by Googling "Santa on fire." Amazing what the interwebs can find for us in our time of need.

For those of you who are mathletes, I would like to again point out I didn't write this and didn't do the math. I didn't even check it. I just think it's funny.

On to the learning.

The Physics of Christmas

1) No known species of reindeer can fly, but there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified. While most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children in the world (persons under 18), but since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or Buddhist children, that reduces the workload by 85 percent of the total - leaving 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there is at least one good child per house.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different times zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles between households, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding, etc. That means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, at tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming each child get nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting the "flying reindeer" can pull TEN TIMES that normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine of them. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison, this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth 2.

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy per second, each. In short, they will burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and creating a deafening sonic boom in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized in 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa meanwhile, will be subject to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4.3 million pounds of force.

In conclusion, if Santa ever DID deliver presents of Christmas Eve, he's now dead. (This will be something you can tell your kids someday!)