Boyhood dreams, adult realities

When I switched jobs and companies earlier this year, one of the biggest perks of the new job was moving from one side of the office to the other. From the side surrounded by walls, to the one with a window.

Now I’m not saying my view is like this:

Or this:
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But at least I can see the sky (which is a beautiful blue today) and, on occasion, let the mind wander a bit.

That was not the case yesterday. I was concentrating pretty hard on a task when I saw this out my window:

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Either someone had put the finishing touches on their escape plan (personally, I’m going to try to get out like Edmond Dantès) …or the window washers were here for their six-month visit. The next sight I saw confirmed this hunch.

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And a little later on while they were working on the other side of the courtyard my window looks out on:

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This all got me to thinking, yanno, being a window washer wouldn’t be a bad job. In fact, it could be pretty interesting. You get to see new people all day long. It’s generally nice outside when you’re working since no one cleans their windows in the rain. And, most important, there’s a bit of adventure involved swinging from a rope off the side of a building.

I think this gets added to my list of jobs (kind of like Mike Rowe, but he actually does them) that I’d like to try out. The jobs I may have dreamed about having as a kid, but pushed into the background when reality intruded as an adult.

Like this one:

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I have always wanted to drive the back of the fire engine. That would be so freaking cool! That, my friends, is a 100-foot-long truck. Can you imagine how much fun it is to be the guy steering the back as you’re flying down the streets of D.C.? Or wherever?

Other jobs on the list include: iron worker on a new high-rise building or suspension bridge; condom field tester is another (for obvious reasons); the First Gentleman; a Naval aviator (Top Gun was a huge influence on my formative years); and a carpenter (full disclosure: I already do this as a hobby).

So what jobs do you sometimes daydream about as you sit in your cube doing this and that? What job would you take if, just for a day, you could answer the question “What do you do?” with “I’m a ________.”

I’d like to announce my eligibility

At the end of my junior year a couple of friends, who passed many an hour playing pick-up ball on the court behind their dorm, hatched a plan. The were going to follow in the footsteps of some of the most well-known alumni of the University of North Carolina and announce their eligibility for the NBA draft.

They figured “What the hell, it can’t hurt" and it could be funny to see an pro scout come around campus asking about the previously unheralded 5’10” shooting guard from North Carolina.

To follow in their footsteps, I too would like to announce my eligibility. My eligibility for the highest court in the land.

I want to be an Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States.

Ha! You laugh, but as far as I can tell, there really are only a few actual requirements for the position. Actually, according to Article 3 of the Constitution, there are none. Unlike being elected to Congress (25 years old to be a rep; 30 to be a senator) or president (natural-born citizen and 35 years of age), the Constitution sets no requirements.

Why would I, the Foggy Dew, make a good addition to the court? I thought you’d never ask. Here’s why:

Not a lawyer

I see this as one of my greatest qualifications. I do, however, know how to read and I have a fairly high level of intelligence, so I’m pretty sure I could understand the concepts presented by the parties involved.

If I don’t, I’ll just ask questions of them until their time ran out and they have to shut up when the red light goes on. So I win.

Also, as a reporter, I’ve spent a good deal of time in courtrooms. So let’s just call that OJT and call it even for the lack of a JD.

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Fair-mindedness

Often you'll hear about judges being discussed in terms of being a "liberal activist" or a "strict constructionist." I'd bring what I call "Liberal Constructionism" to the Roberts Court. The Constitution is the law of the land, but yet it is not a suicide pact as Justice Robert H. Jackson wrote in his dissent in Terminiello v. Chicago.

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I believe in the First Amendment, but I also know the founders did not hold freedom of religion, speech, the press, assembly or petition in as high regard as we do. I'll let you in on a little secret: The First Amendment was not the first amendment. It just happened to be the first amendment to pass.

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Amendment the First dealt with congressional apportionment (and could still be approved today if enough states approve it), and Amendment the Second prohibited lawmakers from giving themselves a raise. You may recognize this one, it became the 27th Amendment in 1992 after waiting more than 200 years for approval by three-quarters of the states.

I also believe in the Second Amendment. As Moses said, “From my cold, dead hands.”

All of the arguments people have about whether or not the Second Amendment allows gun ownership to individuals to protect themselves, or to members of state militias to protect the public is bullshit.

The reason the Second Amendment exists is the one lawyers, politicians and judges don’t talk about. It exists for one reason: to protect us, We the People, from the government. Remember, the men who wrote the Constitution had just fought and won a revolution. A revolution that often required its soldiers to bring their own guns to the fight.

Thomas Jefferson said, “The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.” (If you look to the right, you’ll notice I’m reading a Jefferson bio, I highly recommend picking it up.) The Second Amendment is kinda like the watering can.

As for the other hot-button issues, I’ll just lay it out there for the Senate: Gay marriage, for it; abortion, never had one, never plan to, but I believe in the right to choose; prayer in school, shouldn’t be there, religion can be taught at home (is this still an issue?); privacy, the Constitution may not specify it, but the less the government has to do with my life, the better.

Skeletons

Skeletons

I don’t have anything in my past involving hookers and blow in Vegas that would prevent me from being confirmed. At least not that I know of. There are a couple of years there that are a little misty, but I’m pretty sure no one who was there will make the connection to my appointment. They were a lot more fucked up than I was.

Self-appointed term limit

If appointed and confirmed, I promise to step down in 10 years. It’s been said that sometimes it takes the court a while to catch up with America. That may have been fine in the past, but no longer. We need justices who can understand changing times require a change in perspective.

Laws don’t need to be popular, but they do need to be just. You can’t expect that when the people making the decisions are in their dotage. No disrespect intended. But, seriously, David Souter is retiring at 69, and John Paul Stevens is 89. Something isn’t quite right about this picture.

Wardrobe

As the picture below demonstrates, I already look good in a black robe.

That's me, second from the right, during graduation

from Sleepy Hollow High.

Access

I promise, if confirmed, to keep this blog going. You, America, will have unprecedented access to the inner-most workings of our most mysterious branch of government. I understand the need to keep a bit of a low profile, but the people need to know what the hell’s going on in there.

To sum up (since I’ve already ‘splained) I’m just as qualified as the next guy to be the president’s first nominee to the Court. The only strike I have against me is the one I just stated, I am a guy (I’m also white as well, so two strikes), but I think America can see past that and get behind my nomination.

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So click this link to drop a note to the president and tell him you too support The Foggy Dew for the Supreme Court. Together we can make this happen.