Tuesday, June 9, 2009

No 89th chances

Wait…did you hear that? That sound of electronic silence, the same one my phone, TV and computer were making last night (or weren’t depending on how you look at it), that is the last straw.

To take borrow a term from the absolutely lovely and radiant
Lemon Gloria, Comcast is a bunch of douche monkeys. If you’re in the mood, and you should be, to read two extremely well written rants against the douche monkeys of Comcast, go here and here.

I am so through with them it’s almost as if I never had service from the Internet, phone and cable division of DMI (Douche Monkey, Inc.).

After a taxing day at the office yesterday, I came home looking forward to a little of this and that with that involving either my TV or my computer. Isn’t it amazing how these devices fail to perform to their highest potential when the signals provided and received by and from DMI fail to make it into your house?

I have an inkling of an idea how this happened. Saturday I noticed the freight elevator in my building was “Reserved for Move In” on both the first floor and my floor. Being the smart guy I am, I surmised someone was moving into or out of an apartment on my floor. Beyond that, I paid no more attention.
Until I came home yesterday and had no fucking cable, phone or Internet service. If I didn’t have a cell I might still be wandering in that electron-free wasteland searching for some electron manna to ease my suffering.

Using my last link to the outside world, I dialed DMI on my mobile, jumped through prompt mine field they have and finally, FINALLY, got to speak with a live human being to explain my situation.

“I’m sorry Mr. Dew, we have no other reports of outages in your area, so the next available appointment we have for a tech to come out is Wednesday between 1 and 5.”

“Sorry,” I told the person on the other end, “I’m usually at work between 1 p.m. and 5 p.m.”

“Well,” she said, “we have a morning appointment…”

“No, you don’t get it, between 7:30 a.m. and 5:30 or so p.m., I’m at work. I don't have time to take time off to wait for your tech to fix a problem completely of your doing.”

After another round of back-and-forth, I decided I’d let the Douche Monkey techs get a close look at my modem and cable box. They can pour over them as much as they like after I return them after canceling my service. Unlike many people who have no option when it comes to service from Douche Monkey, Inc., the building I live in is wired with both Douche Monkey cable and the pretty glass fibers of Verizon’s FiOS.

This is not a brash decision because this is not the first time I’ve had major problems with DMI. I won’t get into the whole long, convoluted and sad story, but suffice it to say through a billing error solely on THEIR part, I once received a bill for more than $800.

So, before one of the simian techs from DMI has the chance to pee on my rug (thanks to Nick, Lemon Gloria’s hubby, for this visual), fling his poo around my apartment or rape me (another wonderful Nick image), I’m through with them. Never again will the dark and demonic shadow of a Comcast Douche Monkey darken my door.

I said Good Day, Sir!
[Note: After almost four full days sans electrons coming into my abode, the cable guy showed up around 7:45 Friday night. Although, this was not with out it's own comedy since the Friday night desk guy in my building is, I suspect, just a little on the racist side, and the cable guy was black. So, when he couldn't get me on the phone, the desk guy walked the cable guy up to my apartment, knocked on the door and asked if I was expecting a service call. "Yes," I replied. "But there was no answer on the phone," he complained. "This man is here to fix my phone."
That over, and with less than 15 minutes before face-off of Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals, the cable guy got to work and plugged in the connection someone had unplugged Monday, thereby restoring the flow of electrons into my home. Seriously, it took about five minutes.
The only reason I got it fixed instead of changed over to that fiber-optic option is because they couldn't install fast enough for me to watch the Pens with the Cup. Hockey's done now, so DMI's days are numbered despite the friendly service of its contract tech.]


Fearless in Toronto said...

I am firmly convinced that the mutual hatred of telecommunications companies is what will bring about world peace and international cooperation.


FoggyDew said...

Fearless - You may be right there. We just need to rise up and throw off our coaxial shackles and the world will be a better place. Who gives a damn about universal health care? Give me free universal internet access and I can die a happy man.

Liebchen said...

At least you have another option! And I think "mine field" is a perfectly appropriate term for all those hoops they make you jump through. Love it.

Meghan said...

I worked for Comcast for exactly one week. I've never dealt with so many irate callers and by the end was going, "I know they suck, but I'm just a person in a call center..." Douche Monkeys indeed.

FoggyDew said...

Liebchen - Options make the world go 'round. Truth is, Verizon can't possibly be any worse.

Meghan - You lasted a week? You must be a saint. Or, perhaps, it's just your easy-going pirate attitude.

Lisa said...

Ohh, thank you! One, thanks for the compliments, and two, thanks for making me laugh. I love the graphic. And I love that you have deserted DMI for good. Good day, sir, indeed!