Friday, January 23, 2009

End of the week wrap-up of “Random Thoughts”

It’s three days after President Obama’s inauguration, why isn’t my life any better yet? Seriously, how come things haven’t started changing?

I’m sure there are people out there wondering these same things. I, of course, am just kidding.

I saw a commercial for the new Friday the 13th movie last night which got me wondering. Is America ready for a reboot of the Jason Voorhees story brought to you by Michael Bay, producer of such fine films as Transformers, Armageddon, The Rock and Bad Boys? (I’m not including Pearl Harbor in his list of “accomplishments.”)

Personally, after the last six (of 11!?!?!?! Seriously?) Jason films, I say it’s about time for a new direction in Jason's character development. He's become pretty one-dimensional. Here is what Wikipedia has to say about the plot for the new Friday the 13th.

I do wonder though, can you slice and dice as many half-nakid and nakid post-coital teenagers today as you could in the 1980s? You know? I’m thinking you can’t. The 80s were the high-water mark for the slasher film and, I believe, despite all the whiny cries of “there's too much violence in the movies,” the American puritanical streak or recent years will keep the directors from reaching their full potential with Jason.

My two personal favs (and I can’t recall the films they’re from) include the guy working on his motorcycle while wearing a extraordinarily long knitted scarf that is then thrown into the chain and wrapped around the wheel choking him. The other is the one where Jason (I think it was Jason) uses a spear in an unabashedly phallic method to stab through a mattress, shish-ka-bobing the beautiful young couple banging away girl-on-top so she can see the spear coming toward her through her lover’s chest.

These are some priceless cinematic moments.

Which leads me to another question: is Jason a zombie? One of the movies, Jason X, apparently used as a plot device his ability to continually heal as the reason why he Just. Wouldn’t. Die.

I don’t know, does this make him undead? Zombies don’t die cause they’re already dead, but you can chop them up pretty good and remove the threat. The problem is they never come at you by themselves. There always seems to be an Metric Fuckton of them and our heroes (except the lovely Mila Jovovich as Alice in the Resident Evil franchise) always seem to end up getting bitten and turned.

Such a shame. But it still leaves the question unanswered: Is Jason Voorhees a really quick zombie, just zombie-like or not a zombie at all, but rather a quick healer with a thing for edged weapons?

See ya at the movies…

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