Thursday, May 21, 2009

TMI Thursday: A little me time

It's TMI Thursday my friends. For more stories that will entertain and disgust you at the same time, go to LiLu’s place for this week's full list. And now, on to the fun!

Let’s not beat around the bush here, so to speak. We’re all grown-ups, we’re all adults and, if you’re not, you really shouldn’t be reading this anyway.

It’s time we talked about masturbation. Yes, I said it. And I’ll say it again in many different and creative ways: Spanking the monkey. Rubbing one out. Pounding the pud. Wanking. Jerkin’ off. Jacking off. Pulling your peeter. And, I believe, the Catholic Church likes to refer to it as the sin of
onanism. You know, I just thought about it, all of these refer to boys. I can’t think of a single one for the ladies. So tell me, what cute little euphemisms do you girls have for those times when the rabbit or vibrator comes out or, should I say, goes in? (C’mon girls, don’t be afraid, I wanna hear them all.)

Anyway, the scene: It’s lunch time on the third day of a four-day hiking/camping trip in the
Monongahela National Forest in West “By God” Virginia. Three brothers and a friend are relaxing in a beautiful glade for lunch.

Here's a map, just in case you want to visit someday

After lunch, the youngest brother, and most recent of the three to don the Scarlet and Gold of the United States Marine Corps, gets up to do what many of us do after eating. This leaves his older brothers and the friend to lean back and relax after their hearty meal.

During some point in the post-meal conversation, about 10 or so minutes after the youngest brother wandered into the nearby wood, the topic turned to the topic above. Don’t know how it happened, it just happened.

The friend, let’s call him “Eddie,” then made one of the more patently false statements I’ve ever heard a man make, aside from “I won’t cum in your mouth” and “Baby, she means nothing to me.” This is what he said:

“Dude, I haven’t done that since, like, eighth grade.” Yeah, it was the mid-90s, people were still saying dude. Even 24-year-old men who denied masturbating.

When the two brothers laughed at him and called him a liar, he asked the middle brother (his former college roommate), “Why, when was the last time you did it?”

“Last night.”

“In the woods?” Eddie asked.

“Yep.”

Stunned by this knowledge, he turned to the older brother, “What about you?”

“Just this morning, down by the river while I was washing up,” the older brother said as the youngest returned from his sojourn in the woods.

Incredulous, Eddie looked up, pleadingly, to the youngest brother for support. “Did you know your brothers have been jacking off out here in the woods?” he asked.


With a smile only the youngest brother could give, he looked at Eddie and responded, “You don’t really think it took me 15 minutes to take a shit, do you?”

19 comments:

LiLu said...

I'm kind of jealous guys can masturbate in the bathroom (or in the woods). I guess technically we could, but it would be... TRICKY...

SassyLittleGinger said...

i'm with lilu... i wish i could masturbate in the woods.

my boss totally just walked up behind me as i typed that. AWESOME.

FoggyDew said...

LiLu - Just have to watch out for where you sat down. Remember "Leaves of three, let it be" when choosing your spot.

Sassy - Welcome! Did the boss see what you typed? Or were you able to cover? You know, kinda like if you were, well...

heisschic said...

as per your request for the female equivalent for monkey jerking, i've heard a friend refer to it as playing the five fingered flute. that's been the most creative term i've heard thus far. i'll keep you abreast (teehee) on that one though.

FoggyDew said...

heisschic - Welcome! That's a good one. Perhaps a close relation of "playing the skinflute." Although, that requires two people: One the artist, the other the instrument.

verybadcat said...

LiLu- email me, girl. i can helpz you out with that issue...

foggy- this is why i love (and hate) boys. ;)

Fearless in Toronto said...

I believe the tried and true euphemism for the ladies is "pounding the mound".

Liebchen said...

Guys do have it *so* much easier. Le sigh.

I also can't believe the friend hadn't jerked off in 10 years. If it's a lie, why bother? If it's truth...no, no way.

FoggyDew said...

badcat - Welcome! It all comes down to quantity v. quality. And this is why we love (and hate) you as well.

Fearless - Noted. And a little disturbed that a lady such as yourself would know such a term.

Liebchen - True, but if my Os were as amazing as your Os, I'd never leave the house. As for Eddie, perhaps he was like Gene Simmons or Wilt Chamberlin and had been getting some every day of his life...but I doubt it. And I know for a fact he was lying since his head hadn't exploded nine years, 11 months and two weeks before.

Just A Girl said...

My friends know I'm lying if I said I haven't masturbated in 2 weeks. Shiiit. I don't really call it anything except maybe "me time" or "ohdeargodthathummerwasthebestthingi'veeverboughtjesus".

FoggyDew said...

JAG - Two weeks? You can go that long? Also: You bought Jesus a hummer? (singing) "Jesus loves you this we know, 'cause you bought him a hummer."

WickedCourtni said...

Fuck you men. I want to rub one out in the woods with ease.

Cassie said...

Flicking the bean.

Yeah, guys can do that anywhere. A friend of mine told me yesterday that he jacks off in his car on long road trips. If I tried to do that I would probably cause a multi-car collision.

FoggyDew said...

Wicked - The world is an unfair place, and we can pee standing up.

Cassie - Good one. Yeah, but is he actually driving when he does it?

MsDarkstar said...

I'll offer up "Buttering the Muffin" and "Sending Muffin Morse Code"

And I can almost SEE the younger brother USMC sly smile!

Zandria said...

Cassie took mine! Also, "double-clicking the mouse"...heh, heh...get it? Bwahahahaha! No, I didn't come up with that one, but I thought it was pretty cute.

FoggyDew said...

Ms D - It wasn't the first time he used that smile and it's been far from the last.

Zan - I like it. These are things I never would have thought of. Of course, who ever would have thought "spanking the monkey" would mean what it means.

Alice said...

...and zandria took mine. double-click the mouse; find the man in the boat; flick the bean... those are the ones i know.

and it is SO not fair that i need something battery-powered to accomplish this.

FoggyDew said...

Alice - Finding the man is a new one. And, if you're looking to go lo-fi, might I suggest: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ben_wa_balls Something a little Ol' Skool.