It's TMI Thursday my friends. For more stories that will entertain and disgust you at the same time, go to LiLu’s place for this week's full list. And now, on to the fun!
Let’s not beat around the bush here, so to speak. We’re all grown-ups, we’re all adults and, if you’re not, you really shouldn’t be reading this anyway.
It’s time we talked about masturbation. Yes, I said it. And I’ll say it again in many different and creative ways: Spanking the monkey. Rubbing one out. Pounding the pud. Wanking. Jerkin’ off. Jacking off. Pulling your peeter. And, I believe, the Catholic Church likes to refer to it as the sin of onanism. You know, I just thought about it, all of these refer to boys. I can’t think of a single one for the ladies. So tell me, what cute little euphemisms do you girls have for those times when the rabbit or vibrator comes out or, should I say, goes in? (C’mon girls, don’t be afraid, I wanna hear them all.)
Anyway, the scene: It’s lunch time on the third day of a four-day hiking/camping trip in the Monongahela National Forest in West “By God” Virginia. Three brothers and a friend are relaxing in a beautiful glade for lunch.
After lunch, the youngest brother, and most recent of the three to don the Scarlet and Gold of the United States Marine Corps, gets up to do what many of us do after eating. This leaves his older brothers and the friend to lean back and relax after their hearty meal.
During some point in the post-meal conversation, about 10 or so minutes after the youngest brother wandered into the nearby wood, the topic turned to the topic above. Don’t know how it happened, it just happened.
The friend, let’s call him “Eddie,” then made one of the more patently false statements I’ve ever heard a man make, aside from “I won’t cum in your mouth” and “Baby, she means nothing to me.” This is what he said:
“Dude, I haven’t done that since, like, eighth grade.” Yeah, it was the mid-90s, people were still saying dude. Even 24-year-old men who denied masturbating.
When the two brothers laughed at him and called him a liar, he asked the middle brother (his former college roommate), “Why, when was the last time you did it?”
“In the woods?” Eddie asked.
Stunned by this knowledge, he turned to the older brother, “What about you?”
“Just this morning, down by the river while I was washing up,” the older brother said as the youngest returned from his sojourn in the woods.
Incredulous, Eddie looked up, pleadingly, to the youngest brother for support. “Did you know your brothers have been jacking off out here in the woods?” he asked.
With a smile only the youngest brother could give, he looked at Eddie and responded, “You don’t really think it took me 15 minutes to take a shit, do you?”