Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Man’s best friend?

I’m gonna piss a couple people off here, but what the hell.

Let me start by saying I like dogs. They’re pretty great for any number of reasons: They’re always, always happy to see you. No matter what your day’s been like, there’s nothing like a wet nose and a wagging tail waiting for you at the door.

I never owned a dog growing up. I once asked my dad when I was about 8 if my brothers and I could have a dog. (Please! Please! Please Dad!) He smiled and said he really like to but, unfortunately, the landlord didn’t allow dogs. It wasn’t until I was older - like when I was 33 - I understood a critical omission my father made. I’d never lived anywhere growing up where my dad didn’t hold the mortgage, and just exactly who the landlord was. As a character in one of my favorite books once said, “It’s not nice to fuck with kids.”

Anyway, like I said, I like dogs. Who wouldn’t love this face?

It’s Snoopy for God’s sake!

Or be inspired by the grace and power of the Rhodesian Ridgeback? (One of my personal faves.)

And this fellow here, he totally reminds me of my brother’s dog Smokey who has unquestionably the flappyist ears I've ever seen and is also, I’m quite sure, considerably more intelligent than some people.

That being said, dogs are dogs and they are most definitely not people. I don’t care what you think. This is a very simple concept some of our friends and neighbors here in the nation’s capital seem to have either a) forgotten or b) willfully overlooked.

Like last night, for instance, at Screen on the Green. What kind of brain dead fucking moron brings their really cute black lab puppy

to an event where a couple thousand people are packed on the Mall? Seriously? Yeah, I’m talking to you, you cretin.

Did any critical thought go into your decision? I’m guessing you and your girlfriend/wife both took a massive overdose of stupidfuckin’moron pills on Monday. Why do I know this? It’s because you not only brought your really cute, adventurous and inquisitive black lab puppy to SOTG - on the end of an 8-foot leash no less - but then, as he’s lustfully eyeing another party’s dinner spread on the adjacent blanket (read: my KFC tenders and my friend's hummus), YOU UNCLIP HIS FUCKING COLLAR AND TURN HIM LOOSE!!

Were you dropped on your head, repeatedly, as a child? There is absolutely no fucking excuse for this kind of behavior. I don’t blame the dog, he was really cute and just doing what dogs do: following his nose toward something that smelled tasty. I blame you, you mouth-breathing jackass!

Get this through your friggin’ paper-thin skulls numbnuts: There is a place for dogs, IT IS NOT, I REPEAT, NOT SOTG!! (Or any other large gathering of people, for that matter.) I swear to God if this happens again I'm gonna sack punch the two-legged idiot at the end of the leash.

Don’t even get me started on the dipshits who think the combination of a dog, a 20-foot leash and the C&O Canal Towpath is a peachy idea for a Saturday stroll.


Shannon said...

Now I feel slightly better for having snapped at them. I mean, really, the puppy was cute. But the way they utterly failed to curb the dog and let him run all over our blanket made me hope to God they had no plans to have children.

Lemmonex said...

I have made my feelings on animals very clear. They are not people and they belong at home.

Also, what did Shannon say?

lacochran said...


The worst are the people who think it's a good idea to bring a dog to a fireworks show. First BOOM and the dog freaks out. Do the people leave? No. Asshats.

FoggyDew said...

Shannon - Unfortunately, while the breeder or the pound may ask some questions to decide if you can have your dog, there's no backround check before baby-making begins.

Lemmy - Amen Sister! I don't recall, exactly, but it was much kinder than what I would have said...if my mouth wasn't full of chicken tender.

lacochran - That's all just a part of the whole "me first" attitude people have. They get a dog because they need someone to love them and then don't return the dog's unconditional love by refusing to leave the poor animals behind no matter how uncomfortable it may be for them.

Titania said...

I am the crazy animal lady scoring 2 big dogs and two screaming birds, I absolutely love animals, dogs in particular. Yet it would never occur to me to bring the dogs to SOTG, that is just stupid, irresponsible and inconsiderate. Sometimes I think people should pass some sort of IQ and common sense before they are allowed to have animals and/or reproduce.

Shannon said...

I was actually pretty polite - I said, "Would you PLEASE watch your dog?" Though the accompanying glare may have been the nasty part - they dashed off pretty quick.

FoggyDew said...

Titana - You are one of the *good* dog owners, of whom, I'm sure there are many. Also, you would, of course, pass any test with ease.

Shannon - Yeah, that glare was a notch below "kill." The speed of their departure was impressive.

Random Musings Of My Life said...


People have no sense.

elle dubya said...

don't hold back man, tell us how you really feel! =)

i'll stick with cats.

FoggyDew said...

Random - Yeah, crowds and dogs are probably not the best combination.

ella - Doing my best. Don't even get me started on cats.

Brando said...

I also feel the same way about parents who let their kids screech and yell and run around disturbing others and bumping into our kneecaps. It's not the kids I have a problem with--it's the parents who can't manage them!

FoggyDew said...

Brando - Leash laws for kids?? Maybe?? Or not. I'm a little more, but not much, forgiving of children due to their total unpredicability. But there comes a point when you just have to take the kid out of the picture and let them cool off.

Alice said...

this is why i have cats. they PREFER to be left home when i go out to play :-)

FoggyDew said...

Alice - I would say that is about the only advantage they have over dogs. It's not that I hate cats, I just don't care about them (being a man and all, you see).