When I came home late from a lovely Fourth of July party early Sunday morning I had not a care in my little mind except for how quickly I could get to sleep. That feeling of goodwill toward my fellow man came crashing down with a resounding “THUD” as I approached the door to my humble abode. (It could have been a “THWACK” or a “THUMP,” I wasn’t thinking too clearly at the moment due to the shock, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t a “KERCHUNK.”)
For the past three or so years, ever since I forgot to take it down after Christmas and decided “What the Hell, I’ll leave it up,” a wreath, very similar to the one below, has hung on my door.
No more, though. Some black-hearted scoundrel working alone or, more likely, a team of miscreants, absconded with my Christmas Ball wreath and sucked a little of the joy out of my life. My door, once colorful, exciting and welcoming, now stands stripped of its character. It’s now just another door. One amongst many, it’s only defining characteristic is its lack of a knocker and a number (said items having been ripped off at some point before I hung the wreath).
I don’t know who perpetrated this heinous villainy, but I’m pretty sure I could describe them if I saw them. Yes, I’m looking at you Mr. Drunken 22-to-27-year-old khaki-wearing former frat boy hoping to impress your girlfriend with your “score.” I’m also pretty sure whoever did it lives in my building or is a friend of someone who lives there, mainly ‘cause it’s not winter and they wouldn’t have a coat to hide it under as they made their getaway.
Seriously, I wish I could do a Mel Gibson in Ransom: Go on TV and put a bounty on the heads of the jackasses who took my wreath.
Today I, and my neighbors whose lives were also brightened by the Christmas Ball wreath, mourn my loss, especially because I know we’ll never see my wreath again. As I understand it, the local gendarmes working the wreath-crime unit currently have an eight-month backlog of cases. With every passing minute, the hopes of escape and recovery grow dimmer.
The worst part is now I have to go out and find an even uglier door decoration.
I don’t know who perpetrated this heinous villainy, but I’m pretty sure I could describe them if I saw them. Yes, I’m looking at you Mr. Drunken 22-to-27-year-old khaki-wearing former frat boy hoping to impress your girlfriend with your “score.” I’m also pretty sure whoever did it lives in my building or is a friend of someone who lives there, mainly ‘cause it’s not winter and they wouldn’t have a coat to hide it under as they made their getaway.
Seriously, I wish I could do a Mel Gibson in Ransom: Go on TV and put a bounty on the heads of the jackasses who took my wreath.
Today I, and my neighbors whose lives were also brightened by the Christmas Ball wreath, mourn my loss, especially because I know we’ll never see my wreath again. As I understand it, the local gendarmes working the wreath-crime unit currently have an eight-month backlog of cases. With every passing minute, the hopes of escape and recovery grow dimmer.
The worst part is now I have to go out and find an even uglier door decoration.
10 comments:
It's GONE? Noooooo!!!!!!
Shannon - Sadly, yes, it is gone. Forever, I'm guessing. Unless, of course, someone out there reading this recognizes the culprits' actions and turns them over to the proper authorities, returning the ball wreath to hearth and home.
That's so sad!
But what's even sadder is how cool that frat boy probably thought he was mid-theft. Some people...
I'm sure you've described the perp exactly.
Ah, well. It opens the door to new possibilities...
Liebchen - Ya know, I've "borrowed" my share of things in my time (a certain southern university chancellor's parking sign comes to mind) but I've never taken anything that belongs to a person.
Lisa - Someone's getting punny in her third trimester. Just have to start looking.
i kid you not - i still have my wreath hanging on my front door. and...my christmas welcome mat is still out. i would be devasted.
I love that you kep that on your door year round. Hope you find an uglier one!
What about this?
What... it says it's wall mountable...
Ella - Like your style, my friend.
Meghan - Why store it when you can just leave it out. I'm already on the lookout and, considering the xmas season starts around Labor Day now, I should be able to replace it soon.
LiLu - That could be an interesting choice...if I could bolt it to my door. Have you ever heard the term "attractive menace"? I might as well put a "steal me please!" sign on it when I hang it on my door.
LiLu - Actually meant "attractive nuisance." My bad.
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