Well, they are now

I rarely, if ever admit to reading celebrity news, but the headline “Lindsay Lohan suing E-Trade” caught my eye. What, I wondered, could this be about? Did they cost her the rest of the money she hasn’t metabolized yet?

Turns out the world’s most famous Lindsey (at least that’s what she’s claiming) feels that E*Trade is profiting off her life story by portraying a baby named Lindsay as a milkaholic in its Super Bowl ad. Lohan is looking to score $100 million in damages.

To tell you the truth, I never would have made the connection between Lohan and the milkaholic Lindsay in the ad. But, now that she’s filed suit and an article’s been written, that’s all I’ll think about whenever I see the babies trading stocks.

According to the article, the former child star, who herself has had an issue or two with controlled substances and hasn’t done anything of note in a very long while, filed a lawsuit in Nassau County (I’m guessing NY) Supreme Court. I guess it’s easier to sue a company than it is to actually get a job. The article goes on:

“The actress’ lawyer, Stephanie Ovadia, claims Lohan’s first name is just as recognizable as other single-word monikers used by stars such as Madonna and Cher. Ovadia says, ‘Many celebrities are known by one name only, and E*Trade is using that knowledge to profit. They used the name Lindsay. They’re using her name as a parody of her life. Why didn’t they use the name Susan? This is a subliminal message. Everybody’s talking about it and saying it’s Lindsay Lohan.’ ”

Apparently it’s not recognizable enough since her own attorney needed to identify her by her first and last names in an article about her and her stupid-ass lawsuit.

A spokesman for the Grey Group, which created the ad, said they picked the name because it was a popular baby name and it’s the name of someone on the account team. They better hope to God the second part is true.

According to a couple of baby name sites I checked out, Lindsay (with an "a" not an "e") doesn’t make the top 100 for the last year. In fact, according to BabyCenter.com it’s ranked #696 in 2010 and hasn’t been in the top 150 in the past decade.

Either way this turns out – and I’m rooting for the big, bad corporation with a staff of in-house, flesh-eating lawyers they use to hire outside, mutant flesh-dissolving-and-the-eating counsel – it’s going to be stupid. Personally, I'd go with the "we spelled it with an "e" defense.

Note: I was going to include a picture of Lindsey Lohan in this post, but then couldn't decide among a flattering pic (she can be quite beautiful when she tries), a drunken pic (too easy), a flashing pic (available in abundance) or one of her with herself in The Parent Trap (much too cute and a little creepy at the same time). Sorry I couldn't decide, you'll just have to go to her fan site on your own.

The shallow end of the N.C. gene pool

I generally read/glance at the headlines of a couple of newspapers Web sites every day. A couple of the papers are ones I’ve worked for, others are from places of interest in my work and the others are from places I’ve lived.

It’s this third group, as an adopted son of the Old North State, I’m going to address today. Here’s a headline I was greeted with at www.newsobser.com:

"McHenry's initiative: Put Reagan on $50 bill"

Yes, yes my friends, Patrick McHenry, another Reagan-worshipping legislator has weighed in. Instead of President Ulysses S. Grant who, you know, LED THE GRAND ARMY OF THE REPUBLIC TO VICTORY IN THE CIVIL WAR!, McHenry would prefer our 40th president, Ronald Reagan.

Don’t get me wrong, the Great Communicator wasn’t a bad president in my opinion, and I should know. Unlike the gentleman (using this term ver, ver loosely) from the Tar Heel state (yep, two words: Tar Heel), I was able to read when Ronnie was elected in 1980.

Reagan’s presidency lasted from years 5 through 13 of the 34-year-old McHenry’s life. So it may be understandable, although not really since he's a fucking U.S. representative, that he wouldn’t know that while Reagan was a good president, he doesn’t come close to being a great president. Grant wasn’t a great president either, but he was a much, much more important figure in American history.

In McHenry’s own words: “Every generation needs its own heroes. One decade into the 21st century, it’s time to honor the last great president of the 20th and give President Reagan a place beside Presidents Roosevelt and Kennedy.”

Moron.

The N&O points out: “President Franklin Roosevelt’s likeness is on the dime, and President John F. Kennedy’s is on the half-dollar.” I feel I should point out that both of the presidents he mentions here died in office, so Reagan does have that in common with them. Oh, wait a minute. I meant their brains stopped functioning in office, so that’s the common factor. (Also, strangely, they’re both democrats).

Basically, the guy’s too stupid to pull the names Jackson ($20) and Franklin ($100, and not a president Rep. McHenry in case you’re reading) off the top of his head.

Among things named Reagan are a building, aircraft carrier and an airport. I don’t think we need to slap his face on the fifty.

The genetic wading pool is warm for a reason
Another of North Carolina’s mentally challenged reps, Tim D’Annunzio, has laid out a platform that calls for abolishing much of the federal government. According to the N&O: The plan states, in part: "Abolish the Departments of Education, Health and Human Services, Agriculture, Energy, Labor, Housing and Urban Development, Interior, Transportation, Treasury, and Home Land [sic] Security. Any duties remaining that are Constitutional should be rolled into other Departments.”

I was all set to mock him, and then I found his blog. So, so much material here that I can’t go on. I only took a glance, but I’ve gotta read through it to do it justice.

But here’s a preview from D’Annunzio’s blog, “I don’t just hope the Obama fails, I pray many times a day for it.”

Classy dude. Pray for the failure of the president. And you call yourself an American.

I can’t wait. I’m feeling my political mojo returning.

Man’s best friend?

I’m gonna piss a couple people off here, but what the hell.

Let me start by saying I like dogs. They’re pretty great for any number of reasons: They’re always, always happy to see you. No matter what your day’s been like, there’s nothing like a wet nose and a wagging tail waiting for you at the door.

I never owned a dog growing up. I once asked my dad when I was about 8 if my brothers and I could have a dog. (Please! Please! Please Dad!) He smiled and said he really like to but, unfortunately, the landlord didn’t allow dogs. It wasn’t until I was older - like when I was 33 - I understood a critical omission my father made. I’d never lived anywhere growing up where my dad didn’t hold the mortgage, and just exactly who the landlord was. As a character in one of my favorite books once said, “It’s not nice to fuck with kids.”

Anyway, like I said, I like dogs. Who wouldn’t love this face?

It’s Snoopy for God’s sake!

Or be inspired by the grace and power of the Rhodesian Ridgeback? (One of my personal faves.)

And this fellow here, he totally reminds me of my brother’s dog Smokey who has unquestionably the flappyist ears I've ever seen and is also, I’m quite sure, considerably more intelligent than some people.

That being said, dogs are dogs and they are most definitely not people. I don’t care what you think. This is a very simple concept some of our friends and neighbors here in the nation’s capital seem to have either a) forgotten or b) willfully overlooked.

Like last night, for instance, at Screen on the Green. What kind of brain dead fucking moron brings their really cute black lab puppy

to an event where a couple thousand people are packed on the Mall? Seriously? Yeah, I’m talking to you, you cretin.

Did any critical thought go into your decision? I’m guessing you and your girlfriend/wife both took a massive overdose of stupidfuckin’moron pills on Monday. Why do I know this? It’s because you not only brought your really cute, adventurous and inquisitive black lab puppy to SOTG - on the end of an 8-foot leash no less - but then, as he’s lustfully eyeing another party’s dinner spread on the adjacent blanket (read: my KFC tenders and my friend's hummus), YOU UNCLIP HIS FUCKING COLLAR AND TURN HIM LOOSE!!

Were you dropped on your head, repeatedly, as a child? There is absolutely no fucking excuse for this kind of behavior. I don’t blame the dog, he was really cute and just doing what dogs do: following his nose toward something that smelled tasty. I blame you, you mouth-breathing jackass!

Get this through your friggin’ paper-thin skulls numbnuts: There is a place for dogs, IT IS NOT, I REPEAT, NOT SOTG!! (Or any other large gathering of people, for that matter.) I swear to God if this happens again I'm gonna sack punch the two-legged idiot at the end of the leash.

Don’t even get me started on the dipshits who think the combination of a dog, a 20-foot leash and the C&O Canal Towpath is a peachy idea for a Saturday stroll.

Schools, drugs and the Supremes

I don’t know if anyone’s seen this story, but the Supremes will be hearing the case this week.

If you don’t feel like clicking the link and reading the whole story, the short and very, very dirty version is this: six years ago a 13-year-old Arizona student was strip-searched by zealous school administrators in their search for illegal drugs.

Excessive? Some may say yes, some may say no. Until, that is, you find out the school’s vigilant principal, vice principal and nurse strip searched the girl while searching for ibuprofen. Personally, I’d say they not only pegged the excessive meter, the excess needle started spinning like a pressure gauge in a Bugs Bunny cartoon.

C13H18O2: It can be administered orally,

topically or (hehe) rectally

According to CNN’s lovely story (they must be hiring better writers in Atlanta these days since this one’s actually readable) the school has a zero-tolerance policy for all prescription and over-the-counter medication, including ibuprofen, without prior written permission.

“In this case, the United States Supreme Court will decide how easy it is for school officials to strip search your child,” Adam Wolf, an attorney with the American Civil Liberties Union who is representing the student, told CNN Radio on Sunday. “School officials undoubtedly have difficult jobs, but sometimes they overreact -- and this was just a clear overreaction.”

Ya think? Maybe just a little?

When nothing incriminating was found in the student’s backpack, the vice principal and the nurse (both women) had the girl strip to her skivvies. She then had to turn out the cups of her bra and pull out the waistband of her underwear so they could make sure she didn’t have any anti-inflammatories stuffed down her drawers.

You know what? Even if they’d found her muling a key of pure, uncut Mexican brown their reaction would have been too much. In case these folks out in Arizona haven’t heard, there are actually people called “police” who are specially trained to deal with a situation like this.

Although, I’m pretty sure, the cops would have laughed at the school if they’d called and asked them to strip-search a student to find out if she was hiding OTC medications. That should have been their first clue they were making a mistake.

Their second clue should have been THEY WERE LOOKING FOR FUCKING IBUPROFEN!!

If I’m wrong, and I’m never wrong, I recall from reading many of your blogs (often on TMI Thursdays) 13-year-old girls may perhaps suffer from “discomfort” as they become women. Also, from what I’ve read, there may be a fair amount of embarrassment associated with this event and they may not want to go to the school nurse to ask for something to help with the cramps.

I find it totally reasonable a young girl might have a little stash of Advil or Tylenol (the brand name for another dangerous gateway drug: acetaminophen [C8H9NO2]) in her school kit.

The school district, inconceivably, won the first and second go-rounds of the case, but lost in front of the full 9th Circuit. The school has said it feels a ruling against them could “jeopardize campus safety.” Any restrictions on them strip searching students could be a (have to use the quote here because its logic when applied to anti-inflammatories is amazing) "roadblock to the kind of swift and effective response that is too often needed to protect the very safety of students, particularly from the threats posed by drugs and weapons."

Perhaps a moment or two of contemplative thought instead of swift action is exactly what this situation called for, eh? Maybe? At the very least it would have saved a forest of trees from becoming briefs (Ha! Get it? Briefs?).

School officials added the judges of the 9th Circuit were “wholly uninformed about a disturbing new trend” – the abuse of over-the-counter medication by teenagers.

How the hell do you abuse ibuprofen? (I checked with a doctor friend of mine, you really can’t.)

What happened here is these school officials made a HUGE mistake and they know it, and now they’re trying to litigate their way out of the mess they’ve made.

One of the most important jobs a school has is to teach its students to respect the rules of society. But by stripping students of their rights, to say nothing of their clothes, this school has utterly failed in its mission of turning young adults into productive citizens.

Step away from the pillow and put your hands up!

This past weekend after a lovely brunch of waffles and home fries (for me) and Eggs Neptune (for my wonderful friend Shannon) I dropped her off at the Metro. (Yes, I know I’m a bit behind the times, I plead the combination of a new, and still unfamiliar job, and the Heels’ national championship on Monday.) Her destination was a Bed, Bath and Beyond where she planned to purchase a pillow.

For a pillow fight.

In Dupont Circle.


The event in Dupont was, apparently, part of a planned, spontaneous international pillow fight taking place in cities around the world. Along with the feathery antics being a bit of performance art, it also seemed like a great way for folks everywhere to have some fun and blow off some steam in what talking heads have been calling “trying times.”

Everywhere, that is, except Detroit.

In Detroit, it seems, you now need permission from the government to carry a pillow in public. I direct you to this story by The Associated Press.

For those not motivated enough to click over, here’s the highlights:

“Police in Detroit have ruffled some feathers after they cracked down on an organized pillow fight at a downtown park. The Detroit News reports that police at Campus Martius Park prevented the feathery fight Saturday by disarming pillow-toting participants.

“Michael Davis of Hamtramck, Mich., said police confiscated the 32-year-old man's pillows but returned their cases. He said he was told that he needed a permit. Detroit police spokesman James Tate said the issue wasn't about the bout but the mess it would have created.”

There are so many elements of humor in this story I hardly know where to begin. But, for argument’s sake, let’s start with the police actually taking the time to root out the perpetrators so as to short-stop any pillow-related antics.

We’re talking about Detroit here, not only was the Final Four going on there (Go Tar Heels! Number 1 Baby!), which I think might tend to incite some problems more worthy of police attention, but we are TALKING ABOUT DETROIT! According to numbers I was able to find, 344 people were murdered in Detroit in 2008 (a 13 percent decrease from the 396 in 2007 – woohoo!).

That's about a murder a day for those keeping score at home. You never know if one of the pillow fighters might have gotten carried away and beat someone to death with a feather/poly-filled sack.

Next, we’ll move on to the police confiscating the pillows, but taking the time to return the pillow cases. Isn’t that kind of like confiscating the bullets, but giving the guns back? People, those pillow cases can be reloaded virtually anywhere!! Bed, Bath and Beyond, Sears, JC Penny, Target (Target, for god’s sake) and the Saturday Night Special dealer of pillow outlets, Wal-Mart.

This country is awash in cheap and easily available pillows. Hell, I need to show my license just to buy some allergy meds, but just anyone can walk into Wal-Mart and walk out with a dozen pillows with no questions asked.

And, finally, I know for a fact my friend carried her newly purchased pillow to Dupont in her back pack. My question to Detroit’s law enforcement community is this: Were there any attempts made to curtail the activities of those scofflaws carrying concealed pillows without a permit? This, my friends, these concealed pillow carriers, are a grave and growing problem plaguing our cities.

Imagine the innocent people - office workers enjoying their lunch breaks, families with young children patronizing their city’s public areas, lovers rendezvousing for a nooner - strolling peacefully through our parks when BAM! Suddenly, and from out of no where, someone reaches into a backpack, snatches out a 300-thread count pillow case stuffed with a big, fluffy white pillow and begins whacking away at you or, worse, your loved ones.

Perhaps, someday, when our country has grown beyond this level of frivolity and become more civilized, we’ll look back on this weekend as the start of a new age.

Personally, I hope that day never comes.

Vive la revolution!!