Measure of a Man

From Popular Mechanics, a list of 100 things every guy should know. Let’s see how I stack up as a man in the eyes of the PM's editors and writers, shall we? The skills I feel comfortable with are in bold, for those I don’t, I offer excuses.

Automotive

1. Handle a blowout

2. Drive in snow

3. Check trouble codes – take it to the dealer. While there are some I can figure out, what the hell good is it going to do me if I can’t fix it myself?

4. Replace fan belt – so, there’s an emergency fix for this, like when you’re crossing the desert and you’re fan belt breaks you can use a pair of your wife/girlfriend’s pantyhose, aside from that, take it to the dealer.

5. Wax a car

6. Conquer an off-road obstacle – learning how to do this is a lot more fun when the vehicle is a Humvee with USMC painted on the side. You're a lot less concerned about nicking the paint.

7. Use a stick welder – the caveat to this is that I know how to use a MIG (metal inert gas) welder. Does that count?

8. Hitch up a trailer

9. Jump-start a car

Emergencies

10. Perform the Heimlich

11. Reverse hypothermia – anything involving nudity is fun, even near-death experiences.

12. Perform hands-only CPR

13. Escape a sinking car

Home

14. Carve a turkey

15. Use a sewing machine – Yes, even I had to take 7th and 8th grade home ec.

16. Put out a fire

17. Home-brew beer – I understand the concept, I just don’t see the purpose when you can have someone else do it for you.

18. Remove bloodstains from fabric – why remove the stain when you can just bury the body?

19. Move heavy stuff

20. Grow food – see #17 above.

21. Read an electric meter – you know, I initially didn’t bold this one, but in retrospect, I recall learning how to do this.

22. Shovel the right way

23. Solder wire

24. Tape drywall – this isn’t bolded because, while I’ve never done it, I’ve watched enough This Old House to probably fake it pretty well.

25. Split firewood

26. Replace a faucet washer

27. Mix concrete – another good way to get rid of blood stains…

28. Paint a straight line

29. Use a French knife – WTF is a French knife? OK, looked it up, it’s a chef’s knife. Put a check next to this one please.

30. Prune bushes and small trees – isn’t this something for the guys hanging around outside Home Depot?

31. Iron a shirt

32. Fix a toilet tank flapper

33. Change a single-pole switch – I can even do it with the power still on.

34. Fell a tree – I even have a merit badge for doing this.

35. Replace a broken windowpane

36. Set up a ladder, safely

37. Fix a faucet cartridge

38. Sweat copper tubing

39. Change a diaper – you’d think with five nieces (with two more on the way) and three nephews I might have gotten around to learning this, but no.

40. Grill with charcoal

41. Sew a button on a shirt

42. Fold a flag

Medical

43. Treat frostbite – Not only was I a Boy Scout, I was an Eagle Scout.

44. Treat a burn – See #43.

45. Help a seizure victim – See #43.

46. Treat a snakebite – See #43.

47. Remove a tick – See #43.

Military Know-How – I’m not even going to address these…

48. Shine shoes

49. Make a drum-tight bed

50. Drop and give the perfect push-up

Outdoors

51. Run rapids in a canoe – See #43.

52. Hang food in the wild – See #43.

53. Skipper a boat

54. Shoot straight – not only can I shoot straight, I can hit ya from 500 yards. (Rifle Expert Badge-Sixth Award, Pistol Expert Badge).

55. Tackle steep drops on a mountain bike – I used to have a collection of broken bike parts as a testament to my learning this skill.

56. Escape a rip current

Survival

57. Build a fire in the wilderness – the building is the easy part, it’s the getting it lit that can be a challenge. But rest assured, I know how to do this as well.

58. Build a shelter – Folks make fun of Boy Scouts, but get lost in the woods even once and everyone’s looking for the guy with the Wilderness Survival Merit Badge.

59. Find potable water

Surviving Extremes
60. Floods
61. Tornados

62. Cold

63. Heat

64. Lightning

Teach Your Kids

65. Cast a line – remind me to tell you the story about my first fishing pole some day.

66. Lend a hand – what the hell is this suppose to mean?

67. Change a tire

68. Throw a spiral

69. Fly a stunt kite

70. Drive a stick shift

71. Parallel park

72. Tie a bowline – OK, here is my secret shame and where my Boy Scout training breaks down. For the life of me I’ve never been able to get the rabbit to go around the tree and go back down into his hole. I’ve tried to compensate by tying figure 8’s on a bight, but it’s still a blow to my manhood.

73. Tie a necktie – one of these days I’m also going to learn to tie a bow tie.

74. Whittle

75. Ride a bike

Technology

76. Install a graphics card

77. Take the perfect portrait

78. Calibrate HDTV settings – Didn’t know you had to do this. Hmmmm, I’ll have to look into this.

79. Shoot a home movie – is this really a skill? Can’t you just put the camera on the tripod and hit record? Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge. Say no more…

80. Ditch your hard drive – see #91.

Master These Key Workshop Tools

81. Drill driver

82. Grease gun

83. Coolant hydrometer

84. Socket wrench

85. Test light

86. Brick trowel – I have too much respect for masons to take bread from their tables.

87. Framing hammer

88. Wood chisel

89. Spade bit

90. Circular saw

91. Sledge hammer

92. Hacksaw

93. Torque wrench

94. Air wrench

95. Infrared thermometer

96. Sand blaster – Just ‘cause I’ve never used one, but I figure I could pick up the skill pretty quick.

97. Crosscut saw

98. Hand plane

99. Multimeter

100. Feeler gauges

So, there you have it, my PM Man Score is…Wow, only 81*. I’m a B- as a man. Well, I can fix that. Off to get some Levi Garret, a sand blaster, a box of Huggies and a sailboat to work on the man skills over the weekend. Come Monday you won’t even recognize me.

Guys, how did you do? Are you manly men, or do you merely play one on TV? And ladies, how manly are you? Do you still need us, or are we becoming obsolete? Anyone want a chaw?

*Like Alaska and Minnesota, the list required a recount. Adding in #s 7, 21 and 29, I’m up to an 84. Whew! I’m feeling much more secure as a man now.
**For those of you who don't recognize him, that's the Steel Drivin' Man, John Henry.

***The one thing I haven't mastered is getting Blogger to do what I want when it comes to line spacing and such. That really annoys me.