Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Post-game Commentary

During the past two weekends I've attended two weddings, one in Colorado for a good friend from college and this past weekend in North Carolina for one of the best friends a guy could ever have.

After traveling hither and yon over the past two weeks, catching a cold from a co-worker and massive doses of OTC meds to take care of the cold the night before my buddy's wedding I can truthfully say my sleep patterns are well and truly wrecked. That'd be why I'm writing this at 1 a.m.

I don't expect to be attending too many more weddings until my friends who're already married start getting divorced and remarried, but that's a couple of years down the road.

But for those of you yet to walk the Green Mile to wedded bliss here's a few insights I've gained from the weddings I've attended:

1. Guys, we all know for the girls it's all about the dress. They literally spend months searching for that perfect dress so we'll go weak at the knees the first time we see them at the end of the aisle. Do them a favor and return the compliment: buying your own tux. Trust me, it's the best $500 or so you'll spend between age 25 and 35. The wedding coordinator's assistant this weekend looked at me and said, "You look good in that tux, like it was tailored to you." Ah, yeah, thanks, it was. Bonus, unlike the dress, a tux pays itself off with multiple wearings.

B. Rain on a picnic is one thing, rain on a wedding is a whole 'nother ball game. Do you really want to risk it? Two weeks ago we were all watching massive thunder heads rolling across the mountains of western Colorado wondering "Is it? Or isn't it?" Turns out it didn't, and the backdrop was glorious, but I'm guessing my friend, the bride, had an anxious moment or two. Or 50.

III. If you ignore the advice above and go ahead with an outdoor wedding, during the summer in a downtown area please, please, please check the performing arts schedule for a 1-mile radius. You never know when someone is going to start a rock concert four blocks away. True story, it happened during a wedding I was in two years ago in Raleigh. The bridal party could barely hear the preacher, let alone the guests.

Lastly, and this is the one that's going to get me in trouble with some folks (sorry buddy), I like kids. I love the little buggers in fact. Unfortunately, they really have no place in a wedding. Not as guests under the age of 10, and definitely not as part of the ceremony. Weddings are grown up time. Resist the pressure from your brothers and sisters to include your nieces and nephews because "They'd be so darn cute in a little tux or dress." Kids are just too unpredictable. Two weeks ago I watched the groom's 5-year-old son spend the ceremony trying to find out what the aspen leaves on the ground tasted like, and spent the latter part of the reception dodging karate blows from the bride's 10-year-old nephew. My advice: If people insist on bringing their kids hire a baby sitter to watch them all, buy some Disney dvds for them to watch and stuff them full of pizza, candy and soda.

Two more things I just thought of: Have the bachelor/bachelorette party a minimum of three weeks before and do the rehearsal two days before. Trust me on that last one, you'll be glad for the extra day.

Well, that's my take as this wedding season draws to a close. Are there any other wedding rules the commentariat has I've missed? Or am I totally off base? Let's throw 'em out there and see what sticks to the wall.


Zipcode said...

You covered it pretty well actually! As someone who planned a wedding that never happened - I wasn't having flower girls or ringbearers either.

The only place you can really do an outdoor wedding is in California - always a sunny day and you know when its rainy season.

how did you toast go over?

FoggyDew said...

The toast went pretty well.

My sister had part of her wedding outside, on a cliff, overlooking Catalina Island. The weather was indeed beautiful. In fact, more beautiful than anyone had a right to expect in the LA basin.

On the other hand, I remember covering a Corps/Base change of command ceremony at Fort Hood, Texas in August of '02. It hadn't rained for three months prior and it didn't rain for a month after, but it rained that day when they had 12k soldiers in formation for the ceremony. Mother Nature's can be a real funny bitch some days.